This is a rough draft of the first part/chapter of a novel or novella I am working. I would love any feedback or constructive criticism anyone has.
Kira (Makalum) was looking forward to dying. She was starting to get older and her 20th birthday would be approaching soon. It would be good to finally be immortal.
She walked up to the reception area and requested a personal visit. She hadn’t talked to her mother in a long while. Her mother had been Transferred when she was five years old at the age of 30, much later than most would have chosen. Kira respected her mothers choices but for herself she wanted to become an Ancestor before the crows feet started or the back pains and other aches her mother had spoken of.
In the small hollowed out room she approached the console and summoned her mother (Shana Makalum). The avatar appeared inside the circle on the floor smiling. The walls were made of stone with a small bench carved into one of the walls. Some of the other chambers that hosted classes we larger and had more seating.
“Kira, my dear, how are you?” Her mother beamed at her. Personal visits were rare, everyone, living and Ancestors were kept busy. Kira smiled back a her, they hadn’t talked in a long time.
“I am well. I will be 20 soon.”
“You must be very excited that you will be eligible soon.”
“Are you planning to have children soon then?” Kira knew how much her mother wanted grandchildren.
“I was considering having some eggs frozen.”
Her mother shook her head at her.
“I know it must seem old fashioned to you but it is just not the same when you don’t get to hold your own child in your arms. I don’t want you to regret not having that opportunity.”
“I will consider it. We don’t know when I will be chosen after all.”
Her mother smiled at her. They continued chatting about other things until eventually Kira had to go and report back to her post.
* * * * *
Liam wandered down the stairs to the basement. He had been assigned to help one of the old men with the Archives. He didn’t even know what the Archives were but apparently you needed to know about them if you were going into computer designing.
At the bottom of the stairs he turned around in the dust.
“Hello” he called out and then started coughing as he inhaled the floating dust.
“Over here,” called at voice from down the hall.
Liam started walking towards it trying not to breath too deeply.
He came to a small room dimly lit but with less dust.
“I heard you the first time you bellowing young bull,” The old man lifted his head up from his work and looked at Liam. “Are you the oldest they had to send me?”
“I am sorry?” Liam asked confused.
“Are you the oldest computer designer they are training these days?”
“Umm…I never thought to ask.”
“What are you like 12 or something?”
“I am 21 actually”
“You are practically an infant! They keep uploading people these days before they even get old enough to figure out how to tie their shoe laces. Hmmpf.”
Liam stood in shocked silence. This old man was against being immortal? Or was he upset that younger people were being chosen before him?
“Well don’t just stand there like a dump lump. Get over here so I can start teaching you about the Archives.”
Liam went and sat down in the chair delicately. There were few things to be afraid of in this world anymore. Pain could be avoided, old age could be avoided, even an old fashioned death rarely happened anymore. But the old man with his white hair was quite frightening.